Today is one of those days. I am not usually a crier. I didn't cry when I had my transplant or when I got the call. I didn't cry when my grandpa, who was like a dad to me, died. I didn't even cry when Olivia was born. At the end of January, a really close firend of mine died. I didn't cry. I just don't do it very often. I have seen so much in my life that it feels like I have a steel shell. Things don't bug me, peoples words don't usually hurt me. But today, I cried for the first time in a really long time. Yesterday, I got a call from someone prososing an idea. They wanted to know if I would become a part of an ambassador program for the Cleveland Clinic. It involves lung transplant patients (which I am) going to different people and promoting certain drugs. I was super up for it. For those of you who don't know, I frequently give BIG speeched to large groups of people. I want to become and motivational speaker one day and travel all over to give speeches. Well, I was pumped. Then the woman involved told me that there was an all expenses paid trip to San Fransisco included. Then I was really excited. I thought my dream's door was opening for me to step right inside. I called her back this morning and she had said that they has only needed one person and that someone already had accepted their offer. My heart was crushed and I sat on my living room floor, curled into a ball on my side and cried. I am so bummed you guys. On so many levels. I thought for sure this was the chance I needed to get into motivational speaking. See, to do it, you need to get your name out there, do it around the city, then state, then country. I have done it around the city.....this would have let me go straight to country level. not only that but I would have gone on somewhat of a vacation. James and I, due to a new set of brakes had to potpone our trip to AZ, which I was REALLY looking forward to. I am under a ton of pressure from school. I have already quit one job and it is impossible to quit the second or we really lose money. We can't afford for me NOT to work. School is driving me crazy. EVERY day I think about dropping out. I only have two semesters to go, and those are in the classroom. But with schedling conflicts for next year, I might not be able to finish. I am stressed, tired, aggravated and short tempered. I have prayed and asked for help from heavenly father. I know that He "answers when appropriate" and "He knows" what's best. I feel like I am drowning in darkness, stress and textbooks. I don;t know abot you but I would never let one of my children come close to drowning, no matter what I knew. I was really excited about this and it feels like He ripped the carpet out from under me. Just when I think I am getting ahead and it might be a good year, He throws things like this at us. I DO think He gives us more than we can handle. He must not remember that my body CANNOT take this kind of stress. I am bummed and feel like He let me down. I have thought about this all morning, and prayed. I don't seem to be able to think anything good about this. Not even anything that happens until then seems like it would be "better that I didn't go."
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